Forgiving in 3 easy steps - really.

Summary (the last section) for a friend from a Relief Society lesson I gave based from Elder Kevin R Duncan's General Conference talk titled The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness.


The color/highlighted sections and words are simply a color code to guide me through important points or 'where I am in the lesson' points

A.    Why do humans want justice so much?  Is it innate?  Is it just a canal nature? (This is a trick question.) (I feel like Bro Nixon, I rarely ask a question for which I’ve not already imagined an answer.)

I believe it is part of OUR DIVINE NATURE that senses that justice is required to keep all things in existence balanced, that justice is divine, and that God demands justice.

If we are led by the Spirit of Christ, we also feel the divine nature of mercy, and we combine the two.

If we are not led by the Spirit of Christ, we hold on to the idea of justice and we may be led down the path of desiring revenge.  Revenge is the Satanic version of justice.

B.     But judgement is God’s  DC 64: (3-)11  

 3 There are those among you who have sinned; but verily I say, for this once, for mine own glory, and for the salvation of souls, I have forgiven you your sins.

 4 I will be merciful unto you, for I have given unto you the kingdom.

 5 And the keys of the mysteries of the kingdom shall not be taken from my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., through the means I have appointed, while he liveth, inasmuch as he obeyeth mine ordinances.

 6 There are those who have sought occasion against him without cause;

 7 Nevertheless, he has sinned; but verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and ask forgiveness, who have not sinned unto death.

 8 My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

 9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

 10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

 11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds. 

Verse 11:  And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

I have known others, and have felt myself, that this verse means:  OK.  I’ll let God judge.  And you’ll be sorry.  You’ll get your punishment.  You just wait and see.  You’ll be sorry!  Your’re gonna get it!

That is not what it is supposed to mean.

So, I want to spend a minute and break down the forgiving response to the sense of #3 justice when we take into account #5a(accident, ignorance, apologetic, intentional), our understanding of other’s motives.

a.     Accidental :  easy to forgive – they didn’t mean to do it.---Easy

b.     Ignorance:  Same as ‘a.’  They didn’t understand the impact their actions would have.  --Easy

c.      If they say they are sorry and change:  Easy                   But what if:

d.     Intentional or they don’t say they are sorry and they don’t regret it nor change:  much harder. 

Reemphasize: To forgive is not to condone.  We do not rationalize bad behavior or allow others to mistreat us because of their struggles or pains or weaknesses.

3 stories:

i.                    forgive the correct person for the correct thing.

In an important project I did I had an associate who was always whining and complaining about how things were done.  So I ended up changing things to satisfy her or him (this anonymous person).  The project went into disaster. 

I was upset because the changes I instituted from their pressure – I was having a hard time forgiving them for that. 

I couldn’t forgive myself letting them nag me.

Then I realized I was trying to forgive the wrong person for the wrong thing. 

I had no control over their whining.  So I could not forgive myself for that.  I had to forgive them for that.

They didn’t make the decisions about the changes in project.  That was me. So it was impossible to forgive them.  It wasn’t their decision.  It was my decision.  I was accountable for that.  I had to forgive myself.

Once I realized who was accountable for which part of my frustration, forgiveness was instantaneous.

ii.                  We can’t justify our ill behavior because theirs is worse:

I was counseling with a couple of patients as they went through difficult marriage issues.  One had a husband who looked good on the outside, but was critical, demeaning, and selfish in their private life-but nothing so blatant that you could say ‘he is evil’.  The other had a husband who was the same way to the public eye, but who was also addicted to online shopping, pornography, and having routing non-sexual but heart committed rendezvous with another woman.

The first woman made a statement to the effect that at least the second woman could be justified in blaming her husband for all their problems and hating her husband because he was doing some obvious evil things. 

She stunned me when she replied, “Oh no!  The Lord won’t let me get away with that!”  Meaning, he doesn’t justify her harboring anger and resentment.  He expected her to purify her soul as well.

iii.                Story 3.  This is my main point.   I have had experiences where it was intentional and very painful.  They felt justified.  I felt they weren’t.  That I struggled with.  Then I was pondering the book of Enos.  This is when I learned how to forgive (in 3 easy steps.  Really.)

4 And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.

 5 And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.

 6 And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

THIS IS STEP ONE:  GOD CANNOT LIE

 7 And I said: Lord, how is it done?

 8 And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole.

 9 Now, it came to pass that when I had heard these words I began to feel a desire for the welfare of my brethren, the Nephites; wherefore, I did pour out my whole soul unto God for them.

 10 And while I was thus struggling in the spirit, behold, the voice of the Lord came into my mind again, saying: I will visit thy brethren according to their diligence in keeping my commandments. I have given unto them this land, and it is a holy land; and I curse it not save it be for the cause of iniquity; wherefore, I will visit thy brethren according as I have said; and their transgressions will I bring down with sorrow upon their own heads.

THIS IS STEP TWO:  GOD IS FAIR if they are righteous, he will bless them; if they are not, he will bring them sorrow

 11 And after I, Enos, had heard these words, my faith began to be unshaken in the Lord; and I prayed unto him with many long strugglings for my brethren, the Lamanites.

 12 And it came to pass that after I had prayed and labored with all diligence, the Lord said unto me: I will grant unto thee according to thy desires, because of thy faith.

 13 And now behold, this was the desire which I desired of him—that if it should so be, that my people, the Nephites, should fall into transgression, and by any means be destroyed, and the Lamanites should not be destroyed, that the Lord God would preserve a record of my people, the Nephites; even if it so be by the power of his holy arm, that it (the record) might be brought forth at some future day unto the Lamanites, that, perhaps, they might be brought unto salvation—

 14 For at the present our strugglings were vain in restoring them to the true faith. And they swore in their wrath that, if it were possible, they would destroy our records and us, and also all the traditions of our fathers.

NOTE:  These are not strangers, boogie men, or the Communist Russians or an Islamic Terrorist, or a masked robber.  These are Enos’ cousins, . . .the children of his uncles, Laman and Lemuel.  They knew each other.

15 Wherefore, I knowing that the Lord God was able to preserve our records, I cried unto him continually, for he had said unto me: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it.

 16 And I had faith, and I did cry unto God that he would preserve the records; and he covenanted with me that he would bring them forth unto the Lamanites in his own due time.

17 And I, Enos, knew it would be according to the covenant which he had made; wherefore my soul did rest.

THIS IS STEP THREE: GOD IS MERCIFUL

         So, if

1.  I know God CANNOT lie (not just will not, but can not – just like I CANNOT turn into a girraffe), and

2. I know he will be fair (if they don’t repent fully, they won’t get away with it, and he will know how thoroughly they repent and change), and also

3. He will be merciful to those who do repent

           AND SO

I can give to him now, before the judgement day, the decision making process of trying to figure out if someone has repented enough or not, and do they merit forgiveness. (letter ‘c’ above)  be clear-it is his domain ONLY; but in my heart, it is mine to make sense of it, because of our DIVINE NATURE that desires justice. So, now I can beFORE the judgement day, GIVE to him the decision making process.

I can beFORe-GIVE it to him – I can “FOR-GIVE”.

I don’t have to figure it out.  He is able to, and he will. I am free.  My soul can rest, because God cannot lie, his is fair, and he is merciful.

(Summary Point) It is the purpose of Christ

      Elder Duncan says, Forgiveness is the very reason God sent his Son… We do not need to be a victim twice. 

We are a victim the 1^st time from the impact of others’ behavior.

We are a victim the 2^nd time from the result of our unrepentant (therefore unforgiving attitude) causing our inability to receive the sanctification of the Savior’s atonement.

      I am so grateful for the Savior’s atonement, the direction of the Holy Ghost, and for being able to repent, forgive, and be forgiven.       In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

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Monday, May 12, 2014

Determined vs Stubborn

I'm coming to face an uncomfortable issue.

I have things about which I have idealistic views on how to do something, how long, etc.

Idealistic views can be good when they set us onto a goal that is worthy, or they help us hold to values that are good and elevating to our character. Holding firmly to these in a determined way is laudable.

I'm sure you can feel the 'but' just waiting to come after that last sentence. I can.

There are times when we hold to our desired idealistic vision so strongly that we do not see when we are making trivial things grand and noble, or impossible and unrealistic goals our live's work. Then is when we are being stubborn. That is less than laudable. It can be self restricting.

How do I tell when I am in the determined side of this characteristic, or on the stubborn side?

Holding rigidly strong to proper values is good. Paying tithing. Reading daily scriptures. Absetnence before marriage and fidelity after marriage. etc. etc. etc.

But sometimes I hold rigidly strong to other things that sometime seem so important - but occasionally I question them. How important is it that I don't dye my hair. How important is it that I make ALL my food from scratch? (I don't any longer. I ended up having not enough time to do so. Fortunately, I found pre-made food with simple, healthier, same-as-I-would-make-at-home ingredients.) How important is it that I keep hoping my teeth can regenerate. Yeah. That is a wild one. All the accounts of it have been with small cavities, not teeth were there is more cavity than teeth left.

So what criteria can I make that can help me decide when I'm being appropriately determined, and when I'm being restrictively stubborn?

Eternal Significance

That can be one criteria. It is the most important criteria. Is the issue something that is going to bring me closer to Christ in view of my covenants with him, or take me farther away from him? Is the issue something that will build my character in terms of virtues, and spiritual strengths? Is it something that will matter in 500 years from now?

Health Significance

Will the issue REALLY have an impact on my health? Is that impact because my body is too sensitive, or because I have just labeled it the more 'pure' way to be. For example, the dyes in hair color can have a negative impact. It is obviously not quick acting or else every woman over 25 would be dead. But I still don't want to go that route.

Pride Significance

Then there is my pride. I have an image of 'me'. If I change it drastically, there is a little voice inside that fears the appearance of being fake, or lieing. No one else thinks that about things like hair color. They view it as an accessory of your 'self', not a definition of your 'self'. But that's my view of it.

So I have an opportunity to get my hair to turn its natural color with a soap that has some natural ingredient that works slowly. It would not be an overnight, "Oh, you dyed your hair." (That is only embarrassing to me, not to anyone else.) There are even lots of doubts about the claims of this soap.

So what is more important. That I am tired of having gray hair, or that I don't want to suddenly change my image/looks.


It certainly has nothing to do with my covenants with my Father in Heaven. It certainly has nothing to do with virtues that will build my character into a celestial person.

All this dilemma over hair color.

It almost seems like a waste of energy to even pontificate over it.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

A brief and random thought I ignored.

So last Wednesday (April 23, 2014I) I was working in my basement. I was insulating our water pipes. The hot and cold run along side each other. My cold water is often not very cold, so I think I'm paying natural gas expense to let my hot water heat my cold water. We didn't know to plan for that and avoid it when we first built the house.

Back to last Wednesday. I have about 2' of sheet rock stacked on the floor about 1 1/2 feet away from the wall. We are getting ready for the sheet rock people to come. I had been putting pipe insulation on the pipes. As I was getting thing to do this one area, planning to stand up on the sheet rock to do it (as I have many times), I thought, "I should get the step stool and put it between the wall and the sheet rock." Then I thought that the sheet rock will be more convenient because it is higher and stretches 12 feet. The step stool is 1 foot, and I'd have to keep moving it. So I thought nothing more of it.

That's too bad.

After I had finished one pipe insulation, I went to step with my left foot across my body. I didn't realized I was stepping on air and not onto sheet rock. I fell. I saw my foot land on the floor and my ankle twist. So very fortunately, my hand had reached out and landed on the window sill that was close to where I was. That caught my body weight and stopped my fall. That prevented my body weight from all landing on my twisting foot. It surely would have broken multiple bones in my ankle.

If my hand hadn't have caught me on the window sill, I am unsure what other damage I may have experienced as I was falling into a narrow area between the wall and the stack of sheet rock. I may have hit my head on the wood framing around the window. I may have broken an arm or something as I would have landed uncontrolled on the concrete floor.

I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for protecting me as much as he did (my ankle is a grate II sprain and is healing very rapidly) even though I didn't follow the prompting I received because I thought it was just a thought. I'm so grateful I am not worse than I am, and that he is patient, long suffering, and forgiving.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Enchanted Ideal part 1 (copied to Scripture Study blog)

So with my badly sprained ankle, I've been watching more movies in the evening with Daryl. Last night we watched Enchanted.

I was really struck with a few contrasting points.

The Prince and Giselle falling in love:
The Prince and Giselle meet, fall in love instantly, and wait for Love's True Kiss, and expect to live happily ever after. If she hadn't been pushed in the wishing well, they would have lived happily ever after.

The Divorce Attorney:
He was married, thought he was happy, and then she left. He is hurt. He doesn't believe any relationship can last for ever, and especially for it to be happy if it does last. His view of a good relationship is based off of an intellectual compatibility.

How Deep?
At first glance, the Prince seems shallow. At first glance, Giselle seems shallow. Perhaps they are. As I watched the Prince compliment Giselle at the dance, and Nancy be amazed at it, I could see Nancy was right. There was no irony, sarcasm, nor hidden agenda in his statement about Giselle. "This beautiful lady is Giselle, the love of my life, my heart's true desire." He was totally sincere. Yet, he is not an incomplete person looking for someone else to make him complete, demonstrated by his response when asked, "Sire, do you like yourself?" He responds, "What's not to like?" Giselle is the person on whom he can shower his love and adoration. That doesn't seem so shallow after all.

Can it be done?
How does one make that ideal, fairy-tale, 'happily ever after' relationship?

One of Two Choices:
The couple getting divorced demonstrated very well the two contrasting sides: "What's in it for me?" or "I'm looking after my own needs," vs "I appreciate you and how can I make you feel happy and loved?"

Looking after our own needs?
At first the couple getting divorced were in very selfish and retaliating modes. They operated on hurt, resentment for being hurt, and then wanting to get revenge for being hurt. The queen also operated on this mode. Everything was about her ability to keep her throne. She would destroy others without a second thought in order to keep her power she loved. She manipulated, used and abused her devoted royal helper, not appreciating that he was operating in the mode of "I'll do anything for you."

I appreciate you and how can I make you feel happy and loved?
The Prince is the epitome of loving. Even though he seems shallow, and perhaps is for real life, he has enough and appropriate depth for being a fairy-tale guy. His whole desire was to make his true love happy. His every word and action was to tell her how wonderful she was and to do things that she wanted. He is simply not selfish.

Even when the human-unacceptable event happens that he discovers his betrothed is awoken from a deadly sleep by true-love's kiss from another man, he is delighted and happy for her. He loves her enough that her being happy is his first priority. He loves enough that he can love anyone. He can see the Princess in any woman, as he demonstrated by placing the shoe on Nancy (a romantic woman at heart) and seeing it is a 'perfect fit,' and whisking her off to marry her in his Kingdom.

Before we think he is just a shallow, selfless, loving kind of guy, we must see also his strong pack-leader stance, no-bones-about-it attitude of exposing the wicked Queen for her evil deeds, and the unalterable decree that he will remove her from the throne. He was in no way whimpey or wishy-washy about punishing the wicked and defending the innocent and helpless. He knows his authority and had no fear nor hesitance to use it. He has a very well developed and confident 'backbone.' He was a great protector.

What About Us in Real Life?
So we don't live in fairy-tale books. We live in real life. We are prone to getting hurt and subject to ill feelings afterwards. But there is hope for us. If we return to the couple getting divorced, we see the alteration of their attitude. We see them applying the Princely qualities of loving more than the qualities of selfishness. That made all the difference. The wife states, "Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times. Do we sacrifice all the good times because of them? No." They left the emotional position and vision perspective of being hurt, and went back to the emotional position and vision perspective of appreciating the good of each other and unselfishly wanting to do things to make the other happy.

That is the Key!
So the key to a happily-ever-after is to be Princely. Have our life focused on the other person's happiness and welfare. It is difficult as a human who gets hurt. It is even more difficult when one member of a couple acts like the Queen and the other like the Prince. That leads to another discourse of relying on Christ, cleansing our own non-divine feelings, etc. That is where the simple, direct, black and white principles have to be applied to complicated, convoluted, shades of gray situations. That will be saved for The Enchanted Ideal part 2.

Though the application may be more complicated in our non-fairy-tale-book lives, the answer is still the same. We live happily ever after by having our focus on the other person's well-being and happiness.

We live happily ever after by being Princely.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Part 2 ?

Wow. Even contemplating writing about the application of a black and white principle to such a complicate, convoluted, complex, confusing, and I'm sure some other 'co..." word, is mind boggling. It would be easy to start, but each thing I think of saying leads me to other thoughts and exceptions or clarifiactions.

If both parties are not trying to be 'Princely', it becomes so easy for one person to give, give, give while the other takes and demands. That is not healthy. That blurs boundaries. We can give, and we can give unselfishly, but it must be with boundaries. Boundaries can often be interpreted as selfishness. That is not what I mean. I do mean boundaries that prevent us from destroying ourselves, and that are not expressions of a unhealthy masochistic paradigm. I believe that even through all the giving and patience, Christ had boundaries.

So, I'll think on this more, do some scriptural research, and organize my thoughts.

The question is, how do you give unselfishly to a selfish person while preserving your self esteem? Well, one obvious answer to me is you have to have had a good self esteem in the first place before you start. If you didn't, it is the work for you and the Lord to build it in the fire of experience, in the furnace of life.

Another question is, what are the chances that a person with (truly) a good self esteem will marry someone who does not have one and expresses it in selfishness. There is a yin/yang balance in the universe. It is expressed in many different ways: black and white, water rises to its own level, etc. We must think of it as a balance. The mild yin will be attracted to the mild yang, vs the extreme yin is attracted to the extreme yang. This is how this principle of opposites, and opposites attracting merges with the principle of balance and water rising to its own level.

Many people often think they have a good self esteem when in reality they have just adapted and tucked away their feelings that are more insecure and self critical. I'm not saying everyone who thinks well of themselves is that way. But, if we are not that way, we likely will be aware of our strengths and our weaknesses, vs we can only focus on our strengths because focus on our weaknesses is too disabling. That may be a self-evaluation clue. Also, how defensive do we get on any subject. That is another clue. But I digress...

So, the giving insecure person who unwittingly marries the taking insecure person. That is situation one.

The secure person who marries the insecure taking person. I'll think on that, but it is hard for me to imagine it really happens.

I realize we may marry someone who comes up with some behavior that takes us completely off guard. They may also come up with behaviors that, when we look back, we can see the signs; we can see the little red flags that we either ignored from ignorance, or blindness, or a hope of things changing for the better. I'm struck by the phrase spoken by the Attorney in Enchanted. "When people have problems in the beginning, things don't get better."

So much to think about. . .

March 12, 2014

 So can I write a blog post that can be viewed by anyone and still write what I really feel?

I don't know.  I'll try by pretending no one will read it but me.